Why Does My Child Cling One Minute and Push Me Away the Next?
By Peter Borthwick
It is 8:45 on a Monday morning, and a five-year-old kiddo has wrapped herself around her mum's leg at the school gate. Mum gently peels her off, promises to be back at three, and walks away with a knot in her stomach, and her daughter is crying/screaming in the background. That afternoon she arrives with open arms and her daughter's favourite snack, and the girl walks straight past her and refuses a hug.
I have heard some version of this story from many parents. It is confusing, and it can sting. But in my work as a psychologist working with children and families, I have come to see these mixed signals as a child communicating, not misbehaving.
A map of what children need
I am trained in Circle of Security Parenting, which was developed by Glen Cooper, Kent Hoffman and Bert Powell (https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/). It offers a simple picture of a child's emotional needs: a circle held by a pair of supportive hands (see this helpful Circle of Security Animation of the program on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wpz8m0BFM8)
On the top of the circle, your child needs a secure base. This is where they head out to play, explore and try new things, knowing you are watching over them and glad they are doing it. On the bottom of the circle, your child needs a safe haven. When they have big feelings, or are overwhelmed, they come back to you to be comforted and settled.
Development is a constant loop: out to explore, back to refuel/reconnect, and then out again. Your child is not choosing between independence and closeness; they need both, and sometimes within the same few minutes.
Why the signals get mixed
Young children rarely have the words to say what they need. So instead, they show us with their behaviour, and sometimes the behaviour does not match the need. In the Circle of Security, we call these miscues.
Clinging while you encourage them to play. This may be a request for reassurance that it is safe to go, not a plea for you to stay forever.
Pushing you away after a hard day. An overwhelmed child may not have the skills to ask for comfort, so the push is their way of saying "I'm struggling."
Exploring, but only if you are watching. Some children need to know you are still delighted by them while they are off on their own.
The loudest behaviour is often not the need itself. It is your child's best attempt at reaching you.
Holding your child's mind in mind
Researchers such as Peter Fonagy describe a parent's capacity to wonder about what is going on inside their child as mentalising. In the therapy room, this is much of what I do when doing family work. I am less interested in stopping the clinging or the pushing than in getting curious about what sits behind it.
You can do this at home. When the behaviour is big, try asking yourself, "What might my child be feeling right now, and what might they need from me?" You do not need the right answer. The wondering itself tells your child that their inner world matters to you.
What you can do in the moment
You do not have to be perfect. The Circle of Security invites parents to be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind, and to take charge when needed. In everyday life, that might look like:
Pausing and wondering. Is my child asking me to help them go out, or to welcome them back?
Staying close when they push. You can remain nearby, calm and available, without forcing a hug.
Name it to tame it. Psychiatrist Dan Siegel uses this phrase for a simple idea: when a child can put a feeling into words, their brain settles. Try "You felt really worried when I left. That was hard." Your calm voice lends them the regulation they cannot yet do themselves.
Following their lead. Let them show you where they are on the circle before you rush to fix it.
Repair matters more than trying to get it right every time (i.e., perfectionism)
Every parent misreads their child, loses patience, or responds in a way they later wish they had not. That is normal, and it is generally not what harms a relationship.
What builds security is repair. Coming back, getting down to their level, and saying "I got that wrong. Let's try again" shows your child that relationships can survive difficulty. In my experience, the relationship itself is the most powerful thing we have to work with, and repair is how it grows.
When to reach out
Clinging and pushing away are usually a normal, healthy part of growing up. It may be time to talk with a psychologist if:
the behaviour is intense, constant, or getting worse
separations at school or daycare are consistently very hard
you feel stuck, exhausted or dreading certain parts of the day
your child seems anxious, withdrawn or distressed much of the time
you have a sense that something is not quite right
Seeking support is not a sign you have failed. At Blueprint Psychology, I work with the parent-child relationship, not just the child, because that is where lasting change tends to happen. If this post sounds like your household, we would love to hear from you.
